A Funny Case of Corona Memes and Beer for this Quarantine SeasonBy Robert B
Not that it’s any laughing matter, but this is not how you planned for your leave to happen.
You wanted time off as a company perk, but not a global pandemic to quarantine from. Now that the ball is in your court, the most that you can do to help everyone is to stay at home.
You’ve finished counting the tiles in the bathroom, doing the laundry, basting and marinating slabs of meat and chicken breasts; but now you want Clorox- just to lighten the load, on your feed.
These wisecracks have got you covered. Be sure to send the memes to your friends, so they’ll have something to remember you by while they’re at
One of the best things when watching live from the studio is realizing that the host is a normal human being. The barrier that televises the show is gone. She holds a mic in hand- her presence draws the attention of the crowd.
Although you’re still struck by her fame, she’s standing just a few meters away from you and you get to see her work in person. Nearing the end, Oprah hands outs freebies. You know that’s a score. Is it going to CDs? A car? A Caribbean cruise? Even better!
You can’t wait to go home and try it out! You’re going to brag to all your friends and neighbours, how she personally handed out those and affixed her signature on your roll. Now it’s up on a frame by your loo.
Health Allied Students
IV Stats, medication administration, CPRs, charts and rounds- health care professionals are expected to know this by heart. Diseases don’t happen to set doctors’ appointments. So long hours and odd shifts are all in a day’s work.
As students in training, you’d expect the same treatment. But when word of a pandemic broke out, classes had to be suspended. Apparently not for this school.
Girdle your loins! We’re heading to battle at the first sign of an apocalypse! This school is pretty hardcore when it comes to public health.
It’s a given that the NBA Season has been suspended. You are stuck at home with previous play-offs while your joints are aching for a run.
You can’t risk getting infected or coming home to a beating. You take precautions.
He dodges the hook, does a spin, lunges forward and takes the shot! He scores! That’s 5-0 with mankind taking the lead.
Meanwhile, at home, your mom is wondering where you have gone painting.
Millennials are suffering the brunt of their parents’ workaholic nature. There is hardly enough time for socializing, dating or travelling.
The only “travel” they have is to and from work, so when travel rates dropped, and companies dictated that they work from home, many thought of riding that magic carpet ride.
Hand sanitizer? Check. Wipes? Check. Masks? Check. Passport?
Damn, it’s expired. Who knew your passport would be the only thing saving your life.
Whoever said that the future of money was cryptocurrency? Nothing is ever going to beat paper. And this quarantine season, this is the only acceptable currency there is.
So that’s how it feels when Kanye West rubs money on his face- this thought surfaces while you’re taking a dump. And later on your way to a “grocery run”, the barista calls your name.
You take out the toilet dispenser and count by the ply. If you are feeling extra petty, you and your sibling can even compete who has got the thickest wad- 1-ply versus 3-ply.
In the Dating Scene
Before it was just a handful of pics with the same old poses; then you head straight to swiping. But this time, you’ve got all the time to create a bio. You just have to upload that beer pic.
Miles away from Ordinary.
You and your quarantine buddy will be living the end of your days drinking beer from IV drips. He definitely has to be an O+, if you guys want a fighting chance for this relationship to work.
You once had the luxury of shopping at The Body Shop, Trader Joe’s or Heartland Organic. You know essential oils by the scent, a kilometre away from the pin. You had funnels, reusable jars and oats in every homemade product.
But difficult times call for difficult measures.
You can’t afford to pay premium for food and organic disinfectants when the most valuable necessities include toilet paper and hand sanitizer. Oats take the backseat. This COVID does not discriminate. You’ll be back to being an environmentalist but this time you have to live. The more pungent it is to your nose, the more you’re reassured to win!
Jesus is Watching
Remember the Mist? In times of panic, locusts, spiked tentacles and unseen plagues, there’s a Jehovah’s Witness to guide you. Matter of fact, here’s one
He knows the whole neighbourhood is at home. He has many susceptible targets; many have time to listen to the Word of God. Being the brother that he is, he’ll appear with that neck and tie, Bible in hand, preaching that faith is stronger than the 70% alcohol you’ve got stashed in the bin room.
You have checked the dollar store. There’s none left. You have gone through the racks, hoping it is an Easter hunt, but there are no toilet papers left. You have got to be creative. When was the last time you were handed a tissue paper?
You on your drive-through:
Yeah, but you give free tissues right? Let me order one fry and give me extra wads. Matter of fact, could you hand us that freehand sanitizer there. We’ve got kids at home! Come on, we ain’t got all day!
He got it right when he said this- we live or we die by the clock, that’s how long we have. Tom Hanks is one of Hollywood’s beloved actors. He’s charismatic, genuine and he seems to be an all-around good guy. He is someone we would expect to have a long lifespan with Shopgirl. So it was a definite shock when we found out he was COVID-positive.
They better prepare for a purge. We are not the type to forget that you sneezed on him.
Avoiding the Cops
There has been a strict community quarantine, but you could not stop thinking about that macchiato, and a cigarette pack. So you creep towards your car. When you see your neighbour casting an accusatory look, you wave your hand and point to an eco-bag. She withdraws.
You have got the supplies, and you are heading home when a police officer knocks his baton by your window.
You hope he doesn’t know that you’ve got a voice changer over your mouth. He won’t know unless he asks you to roll the window down and hand over license and registration.
Hospital food sucks. It is paper, PVC Glue and jello. You need a kick of sodium to get you going. You’re sulky because every store is closed and every and you’re on a high –carbohydrate diet.
You overhear the ward nurse talking about lunch, and discover that Mcdonalds is open.
In no time, you would have those fries, nuggets and flurries by the side. Your IV stand is perfect for hooking up a litre of diet coke. They say it has less sugar, so that’s healthy. You’re complying with the diet.
There is really no harm having to look through travel deals. Bali, Hawaii, Italy- you can have your pick of the lot.
You wonder if the rates will stay low if you book in advance for next year’s holiday season. Book for two, business class,
And you’re all set. There is a Caribbean cruise by December and you’re hoping the COVID will be gone then. It will be!
During his campaign, we were watching with unibrows, adrenaline pumping and clenched fists. Make America great again.
We did not mind him building a wall as long as that wall boxed him in. But in these trying times, he promised to pump money in the industries to prevent a nationwide recession.
Better have my money.
Ya’ll should know me well enough…better have my money. P
lease don’t call me on my bluff. Pay me what you owe me.
Who ya’ll think ya’ll frontin’ on, Like bra, bra, bra
Quarantine. You hear the word and you think it is isolation. No light, no human contact, no earthly interaction. How do people pass the time?
You search online– watch Netflix, read X amount of books and magazines, alternatively listen to podcast sessions, video chat, and frequently stalk online.
You don’t know whether to be insulted or to be grateful. You are either a bore or you have been granted a paid leave for an indefinite amount of time. Should you start making lifestyle changes?
Well, now, definitely isn’t the time.
Stocking Up on Meds
Virus. What do you know about them? Well the common colds and cough are caused by a virus. So you think, you should stock up on Vitamin C.
You head by the store and buy bottles of it. The last time you had even taken one was in middle school when the nurse thought you had pink eye!
What’s wrong with Flintstones! They are fruity, tangy and they come in assorted colours. You can feel Fred bam-ing up those COVID particles with his clubstone.
This time Fred will win the fight, then the cat will stay out for the night. We’ll have a gay old time on our IG feed.
Requiem for a Dream
You play it right, you can get a pound of pure. This is your chance to make it big!
This stuff’s good enough to cut in half and still get COVID wasted. You can double your money. You weigh by the gram- no more, no less; and you sell it by the street.
Once you see the cash flowing, you call up your folks and tell your mom, you are doing business now. You are doing real good. When she asks what kind of business, you answer “sort of a distributor, like, for a big importer”
As a preventive technique, WHO advises people to minimize contact with others, refrain from crowding and maintaining distances of two meters. Other countries have taken their part in implementing this. Meanwhile,
The adopted child has to go! Who says you’re adopted?
Them to you: You’re the one who’s a blonde!
You: Jason’s got the receding hairline!
Better have your parents come in and settle the dispute. If your mom refuses to budge, it’s time that Dad go to the other room for this one. Jason will be living in that kennel for the next two months.
It’s not like you are going to work, but when you’re a bagger or a health care provider, you have to give the occasional nod or greeting. At your company meeting, you observe the 2-meter distance and listen to the weekly pep talk.
Now is the perfect time to show everyone who’s the boss, especially that tweed-of-a-co-worker who dated the girl you had the hots on.
We suggest you do the Wakanda salute to minimize hostilities.
And on your way home, from work or from the groceries, you take the 1800 bus ride and sit at the back. You notice someone sitting in front of you, and that she has opened her window. She heaves and gives a hacking cough.
You don’t know if it’s you or your imagination, but you feel specks of cough landing on your face. You forgot to wear your glasses.
You see spittles of saliva from her mouth. And she wipes it with the back of her hand. You get dizzy and you feel like this is just a dream. It has to be! Better check your insurance coverage.
Setting the Clock
You call for a break. Your bladder is breaking, and your co-worker joins you for the trip. You take separate cubicles, unfasten and do you thing. You hear her exit and she opens the faucet.
The water hisses, around the same time you exit your cubicle. She pumps liquid soap on her hand and she lathers up.
She better do your handwashing properly or you’ll call her out on it. You start humming Viva La Vida, and tap your foot to “I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing, Roman Cavalry choirs are singing…”
You can’t go out on dates but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun every now and then. So you have opened your Tinder account, and some cute guy hits you up with a passable one-liner. A few minutes in and you feel like watching Netflix.
He drops the proverbial- I want to be quarantined with you.
That disinfectant comes in handy. You’ve got another reason to practice social distancing and you do so indefinitely. Unmatch!
Everyone’s been anticipating this year’s Summer Olympics. And this year’s host takes heed of WHO’s advisories.
This year’s unofficial logo should be praised for capturing the spirit of panic and precaution amidst the COVID outbreak.
That’s familiar imagery- social distancing and modernity, symbolizing the number of COVID cases by the end of this pandemic. Lord Coe says there is no rush for Japanese authorities to decide the holding of the Olympic games but it’s best they reschedule.
You are sitting on the couch and you’ve just finished. You turn to get that disinfectant, and out of boredom, you notice its tagline – kills 99.9% of germs. Your traitor of a brain begs the question – what if COVID is 0.01%?
There’s deafening silence as you stare at the rows of alcohol and sanitary gels you’ve arranged by the wall.
That’s $200 just on disinfectants, and thousands to be spent for hospitalization. Besides, they hadn’t discovered COVID back when they manufactured this product.
Hexes and Toilet Paper
Here’s a quick chant to keep you free from COVID:
If Malice or Danger dares to approach
It’ll cower and run from the heat of your cloak
No Mishap, No Accident, No Illness will survive
The fiery shield of your Cloak’s Blazing Fire
That’s you right after you’ve gone to the grocery store.
Cloak of ply protection-once you blow out a candle and cross your arms, you’ll be protected from harm.
Time on Your Hands
Nowadays, the only way to remain positive is to stay negative. Stay negative for the COVID test, those video calls and the direct messages from family members you last saw while you had braces on
Now that you’ve got a lot of time on your hands, it’s better to follow certain people on Tiktok, or Instagram.
But under no circumstances are you to click reply on those message requests, or other chat heads you have chosen to ignore. Abort mission. Abort!
You’re anxious you’re displaying signs and symptoms of this virus. You sit down a wave the mouse as a wand and WebMD appear for your routine assessment.
Hospital protocols only allow urgent cases, so you’re left wondering what medication to ingest.
Should you drink your cold tablets? Anti-allergies? Or do you down the whole 900 mL Alcohol Bottle? Corona Beer is alcohol. That’s 4.5% alcohol content. You’ll just down two cases of it and you’ll be fine by morning.
COVID Snapped its Fingers
With that many spikes, it’s no wonder the gauntlet is latched onto the Corona Virus. Alternate portals have opened and the avengers are ganging upon it. Alcogels are hitched by their side.
Thor has a roll of toiletries, while Captain Scarlet Witch manipulates chaos suds magic. Hydro-man is flushing down the Virus with water. In the nick of time, COVID drew on its spikes and snapped.
Darn it, why wasn’t Peter wearing the N95? Tony Stark rushes to hold him, but Peter disappears beyond the six-feet social distance.
You wake up and you find personal messages like this,
“I’ve been thinking about you? Have you gone home before this Quarantine season? Are you alone? Do you have supplies? IT’s crazy how many countries this virus has spread to. This Corona Virus definitely had me thinking about my priorities. I’m so sorry I didn’t take care of you as well as I could. Once this ends, I hope we can meet again, maybe start over ?”
Your ex will be on you like a hound because he has no one with him at home. And by the time his shame kicks in, he’ll say it was because of the Corona…beer.
Right to Freedom
You know who they are- the Antivaxxers who impose that the only means to practice independence is by putting the whole community at risk for polio or tetanus.
They have the finances to subject their kids to vaccination, but they refuse to do so because of the mild risk of retardation. It’s odd because
Do the COVID attack by civil views and health advocacies? Or have they been deathly quiet because the vaccination is still under refinement? For them, there’s no vaccination to refuse.
Passing the Time
This is just so we know who dunnit’.
The company mandates us to come to work and observe social distancing, but when they find our bodies writhing on the floor, they’ll have evidence against whom to file those insurance claims for.
No lozenges allowed. We’re going all au naturel. Ditch that Wood’s solution because the person who coughs the most is going to report to management and demand higher pay. That’s a done deal for all of us!
Taking Your Time
So many people have uploaded 20-second songs to sing to while handwashing. This netizen suggested otherwise,
We think she meant that you wash it slowly. Take your time when going over the recesses and curves. Massage and knead those muscles.
And as for Grumbletonian, he ought to know better. He’s a man. That’s how they’ve always washed their hands after eating. So have we, from time to time, when we’re going down… a bag of cheese chips.